I've been doing some more thinking about mealtimes, and as I reflect I've reminded of how grateful I should be for the upbringing I had regarding this aspect of everyday life. When I was growing up, we had dinner every night around the dinner table with the TV off. While there were those inevitable times of fighting that happened between my brother and I, for the most part we always enjoyed one another's company.
When I helped my current pastor with his youth ministry at another church, one thing that always struck me as tragic was that the thing the kids loved the most was when we did big meals together. Now, it wasn't tragic that they loved the meals together, it was the reason behind it. Almost all of them said they rarely ate meals as a family, usually this was reserved for Thanksgiving and Christmas if that. That really stuck out to me, as I had always thought that's just what you do for dinner, you sit down as a family and enjoy one another's company. But apparently, this is practiced less and less often as time progresses in American culture. That being said, I have plenty of friends who share dinner together every night and it really warms my heart to see them teaching their kids how to get along with each other enough to eat dinner together.
I wonder how many conflicts could be avoided if people simply ate meals together. Think about it; what if your coworkers who were fighting behind each other's backs were to sit down to a meal together? It's pretty hard to spit meanness when your mouth is full of food. It doesn't happen naturally of course, but what if we made the effort to eat with people we don't necessarily like? Make a table before my enemies, that sort of thing. It would certainly take humility on both parties sides and there certainly isn't an abundance of that going around from what I can see. But God calls us to reconciliation with one another and with our enemies.
When I was in Amsterdam this past fall, I shared a cup of hot chocolate (and the other three had coffee) with one Dutch girl and two Iranians. Now, to be honest, I thought the Iranians were going to hate me just because I was American. That's about as ridiculous as them thinking I would hate them just because they were Iranian. We had a lovely time, and I think if we would share more meals and drinks with people who are different than us than we'd be a lot better off.
Obviously, this doesn't work all the time, but what if our instincts were to meet with someone over a meal when we had a problem with that person rather than gossip about the person behind their backs? We would probably learn a lot better conflict resolution strategies and just how to interact with our neighbors on a more mature level. When I was in Amsterdam the first time, back in 2007 for the summer, there was a girl who showed me a lot about maturity in relationships. For starters, she came straight to me and asked if I was interested in her as opposed to talking to her friends endlessly about it and never addressing me on the issue. Secondly, it definitely felt awkward as we discussed it and it certainly changed the parameters of the relationship, but it felt good to deal with it in a mature manner. We both didn't think it would be a good idea to pursue anything as we had different plans for our separate futures. A couple years later this same girl confronted me about something else and while I got defensive about it I now realize that she was right and I'm ultimately grateful that she had the guts to confront me on the issue.
How many of us are stuck on an immature level when it comes to how to interact with others? Don't think this applies to you? Are you ever guilty of gossip? Ever guilty of holding a grudge? That second one is one we could learn a lot from kids on. It seems like no matter how upset a child is with me for setting boundaries for them in the classroom one day, the next day they've completely forgotten about it and moved on. How many adults are like that? How many people hold grudges for years without reconciling with that person or at the very least forgiving that person in their hearts? While I don't think we're ever called to forgive and forget; we are called to forgive. The reason I don't think we should always forget is that sometimes it would put us in an unnecessarily dangerous situation, like an abuse situation or something. If someone is being abused than they need to seek outside help. Forgetting isn't going to cause the other person to repent of their sins. Sin carries consequences, and sometimes those consequences need to be jail time. God forgives all sin, but that doesn't mean there aren't consequences to be paid for previous sins.
I realize this probably comes across as naive and unrealistic. But with that being said, I bet meals or drinks together could solve a lot more problems than we realize. It's not just about the meal, it's about the communication that takes place during the meal. It's about mutual understanding and sincerely trying to see where the other person is coming from. So the next time you're tempted to gossip about someone behind their backs, try meeting them for a meal instead and confront the issue with that person. We might just be surprised at the results.
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