How (Not) to Argue With a Woman

On Saturday, I learned something new about Steffani.  As much as this may surprise some of you, I don’t really argue all that much with her.  This may be surprising to some of you given how much I have loved to argue in the past and still do on occasion.  Anyway, Stef and I got into an argument and I learned a lot about her from that.

It was a meaningless argument, but what I feel like I gleaned was invaluable from the way we approached it.  We started arguing about driverless cars (like I said, meaningless) and before I knew what hit me we were no longer arguing about driverless cars.  Somewhere, probably about the 4 or 5 minute mark, I realized we were arguing about different things entirely, or so I thought.  She had moved on to arguing about technology as a whole and its implications on society (thank you, useless Sociology undergrad degree of hers) while I was still talking about driverless cars.

When I realized we were no long arguing about the same thing (naturally, after telling her she was being completely illogical and her argument made no sense whatsoever), I quickly brought it to light and said, “Oh, now I understand, we’re no longer arguing about the same thing.”  The issue had been resolved in my mind; she wasn’t being necessarily illogical so much as just not arguing about the same subject matter anymore.

Nope, I was wrong again as it turns out.  Believe it or not gentlemen (and ladies this will most likely make certain sense to you somehow) driverless cars and the implications of all new forms of technology on society as a whole were the same thing to her.  What??  I responded by saying, “How are those different ideas the same things in your mind?  How can that possibly be how you think?”

In the past when I have argued, almost always with men mind you, there have been an unspoken set of ground rules regarding the argument.  Stay focused on the argument at hand, don’t stray away and if you do signal your transition.  Signaling the transition can be something like, “Well, let’s look at the broader picture of this” or “Let’s talk about how that would play itself out in this other situation.”  I was informed by Steffani that I’m just supposed to make the transition seamlessly and follow her line of reasoning.  She said it while laughing thankfully because clearly that is an impossible and Herculean task, one which I don’t have the mental capacity to do.

Thankfully, and this is what’s most important, we were able to laugh about it later.  My friend and pastor has often said to me in conversation as well as from the pulpit, “If your goal is to win an argument, what does that make your spouse?  A loser, right?”  He also said, or perhaps it was someone else, that men think linearly and women’s brains are more like a bowl of spaghetti.  It seems to me that the linear vs. spaghetti analogy is exactly what happened.  I was laser focused on one idea and her mind was weaving everything together.

And to top it all off, on Sunday we were talking about how the argument had gone the day before.  She then informed me I do the same thing.  I said, “Hmm, how do you figure?”  She replied that earlier that day I had been talking about something and went into a stream of consciousness series of thoughts.  I didn’t see how they related.  To me, they’re two very separate types of conversation, not to her though apparently.  I said, “Well, yes, of course I had a stream of consciousness line of thinking, because I wasn’t arguing!  When you are in an argument it is necessary to stay focused on the task at hand.”  She doesn’t see them as different types of conversations.  Well, lesson learned, arguing with logic with a woman is utterly useless. 

As a side note, even if you think this following thought, don’t mention it to your significant other.  “Oh, now I get it.  I just have to redirect you and refocus your attention like I did with my elementary students.”  Yep, definitely not what she wanted to be compared to.  Sometimes words come out, like a flock of doves that has been released as the comedian Brian Regan compares it to, and you immediately want those words back.  Also, be quick to apologize, another important lesson learned; one I have learned before but was reinforced, yet again.