Today, I met with my pastor and a mutual friend of our's. My pastor knew him from college and I had met him at a summer camp one summer as we were both on staff there. He is a dear friend and I love that he might be down here as soon as June if he gets a job he interviewed for. Tomorrow, I'm supposed to meet him to go fishing in St. Pete so I'm looking forward to that as well.
For those of you who may be asking yourselves, "What about his job? Doesn't he have to go to work?" Well, I've decided to take a leave of absence starting today. It was a decision that was a long time coming. It seems that this depression has taken over a lot of me. It has stripped me of my ability to focus on teaching work. Furthermore I am unable to be animated in front of a classroom long enough to hold the students' attention. This is why I've reached the decision that my students deserve better than what I'm currently able to give them. As I was leaving work today from having my principal sign my leave paperwork, I couldn't hold back the tears as I thought of my kids and how I wanted to see them and hold them tight but knew that I couldn't without absolutely losing it.
It breaks my heart that I have to leave my kids like this. The truth of the matter though is that I can't take care of myself well enough in order to be the teacher that I need to be for my little ones. Depression isn't like a broken arm or leg or head injury that's visible. People can tell something's wrong with you then. Depression is something that is silent, that imprisons a person in their own mind and in their own world and cuts them off from important relationships if they're not careful to guard against it.
It's hard to not feel all alone in dealing with this. The other night I watched a youtube video about famous people who had struggled with bipolar disorder. It was pretty interesting to say the least and was very encouraging that others had dealt with this issue and still led successful lives. That seems like the opposite of where I am right now though. In place of success all I see is myself as an abject failure. A teacher who doesn't teach doesn't do a whole lot of good. Friends try and remind me that I teach in a Title 1 school and it's a tough population but I don't buy that. This is my seventh year of teaching. I was completely fine for about the first four years.
The last three years though, depression has hit and taken over my life right around this time of year. Why does this seem to get tougher to deal with as I get older instead of easier? Shouldn't I be able to handle this condition by now?? I've been bipolar since I was 17, almost half my life now, and I still struggle with the depression episodes like I do? As you can see, I have a very difficult time with not feeling sorry for myself and having pity parties. When I'm stable I know the reason I suffer is to help others through their times of depression or times of being diagnosed with bipolar disorder. When I'm going through it though, it's hard to find the purpose of suffering silently. It's hard to see that God will ultimately use this for His glory, that in my weakness He is strong. Paul said he would boast in his weaknesses that Christ might be glorified. Maybe I write for the same reason.
Writing is therapeutic for me for whatever reason. It can bite me in the butt though. A certain someone at my school read one of my entries and thought I was going to end my own life. Apparently, she told several others at my work her conclusion and it ultimately got back to me. So, I did the mature thing and unfriended her on facebook just to see if she'd notice. I don't think she ever did because she didn't say anything about it. It's just frustrating when people don't understand. It's even more frustrating when you're being gossiped about. We all do that of course, but it still stings when it gets back to you. Anytime you have a community of any sort be it church or a workplace or anything, gossip is usually not too far behind.
No comments:
Post a Comment