Changing My Expectations

Recently, I’ve had to change my expectations in a couple of different areas of my life.  One being what I thought missionary life was going to be like; and the other being what I thought about marriage.  Allow me to break down what my expectations were and how I’ve had to adjust them for you if you’ll indulge me for a little while.

As far as missionary life, I thought it was going to be an extended summer trip.  Basically, I thought I would be on a high for 6 months so I was really looking forward to that.  Apparently, God had other plans.  Little did I know life overseas would be this difficult.  There have been times of loneliness and much frustration at not understanding what anyone is saying.

Part of the reason for these expectations is that I look at the past with rose-tinted glasses, as I’m sure many others do.  Sometimes we long for what once was, without acknowledging that every season has its triumphs and troubles.  I can look back on previous summers and think that I had a wonderful time without any trouble.  If I force myself to try and remember a little more clearly though, I can pull up some difficult times from every summer. 

I’m starting to realize that every season is usually a combination of good and bad, not one or the other.  While I’m well aware that life often feels like a roller coaster, I would also say there are often more than a couple feelings going on within each of us as we go through each day.  Balance can elude even the best of us, much more those who struggle with a mood disorder.

What I’m learning is to change my expectations for this apprenticeship.  While there will certainly be highs there will also be lows.  I must be ready for both sides of the coin.  I must learn to place my trust in Jesus as He takes me on this great adventure called life. 

In the beginning of this year my prayer was simply, “I do believe, help my unbelief.”  It wasn’t original by any stretch of the imagination; no, I got it directly from Scripture.  God answered that prayer and continues to do so.  When I am weak, then He is strong.

The second thing that I’ve had to change my expectations for is marriage.  In spite of friends and family always telling me marriage is very difficult, I’ve never really believed that.  I’m reading The Meaning of Marriage by Timothy Keller and it’s teaching me just how difficult marriage will be and the why behind the difficulty.

This summer I’ve realized I’m a very selfish person with my time.  Many times I’d rather spend time alone than with others.  It’s a paradox, really.  On the one hand, I love being around people and usually am energized by doing so.  Simultaneously I like to spend a lot of my time alone.  Marriage will surely change this for me.  As my friend Ryan told me the other day, “You know she’s still going to be there after the wedding night, right?”

Marriage won’t be easy, but in the same breath I have a few ideas as to how we can get through the first year with a strong marriage.  One of those is just basic respect with each other and learning to fight fairly.  Since I’m 32, I’ve seen many couple friends who simply don’t respect each other, and this seems to be especially true during the first year of their marriages. 

I told Stef we need to promise one another that we will always be respectful toward each other and she agreed.  Hopefully that will give us a leg up on the difficulties of marriage that are inherent in that close of a relationship.  I sincerely look forward to marrying Stef, but I’m not looking forward to my selfishness being exposed like never before. 

If I know I’m selfish going into this marriage, how much more will it reveal itself in the confines of our relationship?  As with any character defect though, it is and will continue to be a learning process.  We will need to surely be quick to forgive as that seems to be a necessary ingredient to any healthy marriage.