feelings, and other bs

So, I went to see my therapist today.  Yes, I see a therapist, and would happily recommend one to any normal adult who could use a little objective feedback on their lives (aka everyone).  I realize there is probably still a stigma about seeing a therapist, with people thinking it's only for people who are crazy, which I am as well, but I would argue everyone could use a good round of therapy every now and again.  I am very grateful that my insurance covers my therapist appointments, and honestly if they didn't I probably wouldn't go.  However, since my insurance is awesome, one of the few benefits of working as a teacher as far as pay goes, I do see a therapist on a fairly regular schedule.

Anyways, she asked how I was doing and I decided to unload on her.  I told her exactly how I was feeling, a lot of feelings of worthlessness, hopelessness, and helplessness.  She then asked what some of the lies were that I was believing to be true and I listed off a ton until she made me stop.  The problem with lies is that somehow they're so believable when I'm in the midst of depression.  My therapist encouraged me that sometimes our feelings are simply wrong and that they are not to be trusted.  I knew this of course, but it helps to be reminded of some obvious truths sometimes, especially when you're going through a valley like I am currently.

Thankfully, my therapist is a fellow believer and so I'm glad we have that in common.  If you took spirituality out of my feelings and out of my life in general, there wouldn't be a whole lot left.  I happen to believe everything is spiritual, whether we acknowledge it or not.  Our spiritual lives are in fact our whole lives, and we do ourselves and others a great harm when we try and compartmentalize our spirituality to our Sunday morning lives or just our private times with the Lord.  How we act and what we think deeply effects our spirit, as well as the spirit of those around us.  We do not live in a vacuum, and we need to stop pretending that our lives have no impact on the lives of others.  In political terms this would be called libertarianism, the idea that I'll do my thing and you do your thing and we'll all just be happy as a result.  That is simply not true. Your choices, my choices, all of them, effect someone else.  Do we choose to buy fair trade?  Do we choose to buy local?  Those are choices that effect the people around us, neighbors near and far.

Sometimes I get so down on myself it's almost comical.  I can look back on these times at a later date and see the ridiculousness of the thoughts I was having.  In no way does that make the feelings seem less real, however.  Today in particular, I have struggled with the idea that I'm bipolar and as such I will always have times like these throughout my life, so what's the point?  I wish I had a ready answer to this question, but honestly I don't.  I don't know how to answer others when they're going through similar struggles, nor do I know how to answer my own heart's questions when struggling through a difficult time such as this.  Sure, there are cheesy Christian cliches that everyone knows but usually those just piss me off more than anything else.

And so I'm left wondering aloud, what's the point in all this?  As a Christian, I believe my purpose is found in glorifying God, but what about times like these?  When my heart and soul cry out and I don't sense that God is near nor do I see any worth in myself or that I have anything to offer to others?  What's the point in pushing on if I know I'm going to struggle through times like these for the rest of my life due to my illness?  In my times of stability, I know God uses my weaknesses to help others, but why are we so broken and weak to begin with?  I know, I know, because of the fall.  How long ago was that, though?  And we're still facing the consequences of a bite of a fruit and subsequent sins that we're all guilty of?  Why doesn't God just get on with it and kill the whole human race again?  I struggle to believe that the hearts of men were much more evil prior to the flood than they are now.  Slavery is at an all time high these days, and we're so obsessed with ourselves that I bet if you ask 100 Americans if slavery still exists a majority of them would say that it doesn't.  We're more concerned with the latest celebrity gossip as opposed to trying to change ourselves or the world we find ourselves in.

All that to say, sometimes life really feels pointless.  Sometimes I fail to find a bigger purpose that is out there.  Being a Christian doesn't mean people will never struggle, in fact, we're promised the opposite of that.  Where is Jesus in the midst of my suffering, in the midst of my darkest days?  Scripture says that God draws near to the broken-hearted, but it has been my experience that while I'm going through times of heart break I feel like God is the farthest away.  Why is that?  Why is it so easy to find my identity in anything but Christ?