Depression Knocks

Lately, I've been sleeping a ton, even for me which is saying something for those of you who are close.  This happens generally every fall.  I get worried that my thyroid is off, then I go and get a blood sample taken.  Inevitably, it turns out that it's fine and so I ask my GP what's wrong with me and he says it's probably my moods kicking in.  Well, it has started happening again.  As my doctor has informed me, this usually means depression isn't too far behind and is getting ready to rear its ugly head.  I thought it might be my thyroid but I got back on my thyroid medication on Friday and am still having the problem as of today.

I can take three hour naps every afternoon if I'm allowed to.  I just did this today.  I wake up, groggy and angry that I slept for that long.  According to a documentary I saw on bipolar disorder I'm not the only patient who experiences this.  It is beyond frustrating and makes me feel like I'm just worthless.  I know I joke about it with my friends but in reality it makes me feel simply worthless about myself.  I go through these phases where I sleep every chance I get.  The past few years it has happened even though I had a job.  You can imagine how bad it is this year when I don't currently have a job to give me structure.

All that to say, sometimes I really just loathe myself.  Anyone else ever been there?  I know it's ungodly to say the least and not becoming of a believer, but sometimes I'm filled with such self-hatred I don't even know what to do with myself.  And then, that inevitably leads to depression.  I know all the right strategies for fighting depression; I've bought all the self help books out there on the subject, but it still comes in spite of that.

Guess I should be grateful I had the mania as long as I did, huh?  I love mania because it makes me feel like I'm on top of the world.  Mania makes me feel like I can do anything, go anywhere and accomplish great feats if I simply would put my mind to them.  Then depression follows it up and reminds me that I can't possibly do those great feats because of the struggles I deal with in the midst of depression.  I hate this so much and I hate that I have to go through this disorder for the rest of my life.

Fellow believers have assured me there is healing in faith and I'm sure there is.  But I don't know why bipolar disorder is treated differently than other chronic illnesses like diabetes.  Can God heal those diseases?  Of course He can.  But does He always heal them?  Not a chance.  Sometimes you have to go through purifying fire to learn to lean on Him more.

I can't do this again.  I can't believe I'm actually going to go through depression again.  It was in the back of my mind when I was manic that it would come again due to the nature of bipolar and how it swings between one and the other, but I somehow manage to lie to myself and tell myself that I'm suddenly cured somehow and that the mania is just my new normal.  Guess it's time to break out the self help books on depression to try and nip it in the bud a little at least.  Those books do help believe it or not.  That may surprise some of you who think self help is a load of crap but there are some really good ones out there actually.