Marriage, Maturity and Peacemaking

My mom has always excelled at being a peacemaker in our home, particularly in my teenage years.  My dad and I or my brother wouldn’t see eye to eye on a particular subject and if my mom hadn’t stepped in as a peacemaking representative on behalf of both my brother or I and my dad, well, frankly I shudder at what might have been.  That being said, my dad has become better at making peace over the last few years; whether it’s in relation to one of his employees or with his or mom’s extended families respectively.  Whether he has to fire someone because of unethical business practices or tell my Grandma on my mom’s side not to mow her own yard anymore, he is often the one to act first.

Now I realize they’ve both done well at peacemaking in the past, they just approach it differently.  Dad has no problem with confronting someone and as a result he and the person whom he has confronted are usually easier able to address the problem at hand rather than dicker around it for ages on end.  Mom has an unusual knack at hearing both sides of a problem and finding a third way forward that works for both parties involved.  Perhaps they should run for the Presidency in 2016?  Haha, I can just imagine it now, David Hemming for President and Lesa Hemming as his first running mate.  I mean, let’s face the truth; the first lady usually does more good than the Vice President anyways from what I’ve been able to tell at least.  Then you add on a couple of liberal sons to add another voice to their cabinet of conservative advisors, and they’re a shoe in. 

Well, maybe not in reality.  I can hardly imagine my dad being able to handle all the nonsense that comes out of people’s mouths in DC, especially in Pelosi’s case as he has assured me several times that anything that comes out of that woman’s mouth is either a blatant lie or just idiotic when looked at logically.  Not to mention my mom would have very little patience in spite of being the saint that she is for people’s finger pointing and plain refusal to take any responsibility for their own actions and consequences that arise naturally as a result.

It has been humorous in my twenties in particular to see people psychoanalyze me as to why I would believe very strongly that I was not meant to be married.  “But you have such strong role models in your parents’ marriage!”  Then I reply to not forget extended family and ALL of my close friends in Florida as well.  Yes, I have had incredible role models on both sides of my family as well as incredible mentors in the faith that have fantastic marriages to look at as hope that in spite of outrageous divorce rates both inside and outside the church.  That doesn’t mean the culture at large and some specific personal examples haven’t played a role in keeping me away from any serious relationship for a decade though.  That also doesn’t mean that married men or women or people who desire to be are all that more mature or intellectual in my humble opinion.  I saw many a man in college who was incredibly mature yet single and wanted to stay that way and at the same time many a woman in college who was incredibly immature yet desperately wanted to get a ring on their finger before graduating college.

Some might argue that marriage necessitates maturity and I would agree with that on most counts.  Surely we can agree though that we all know married people who are still incredibly immature though, right?  To make a sweeping generalization that if you get married you’re automatically more mature is equivalent to a boy claiming he’s a man because he now needs to shave.  In college and afterwards as a single man, I was often confused at many pastors’ seeming obsession with getting their young people in their churches married off.  They would lament at our societies’ embrace of extended adolescence.  I would lament this right along with them of course. 

However, I would add that just because a young man or a young woman decides to put off tying the knot it doesn’t mean they’re stuck in a state of extended adolescence, does it?  How many married men and women can’t keep a good job to save their lives and end up living back at their mom and dad’s homes?  Sometimes that’s necessary of course for a season, but as my dad lovingly put it when I graduated college, “Son, if you’re ever in a bind and need a place to stay your mom and I would of course let you stay with us.  But only for like a few months, then you better get a job!”  That has always stuck with me for some reason, partially due to how much we both cracked up when he said it but perhaps even more so because of how many so called adults who are married that can’t seem to take that advice themselves. 

Not only are they living at their wife’s parents’ house or their own parents’ house and have the nerve to complain about having a free place to stay, some have no intention of ever even leaving!  They may say they do, but look a little beneath the surface and you would be hard pressed to find much motivation for wanting to move out.  I can still remember a so-called friend complaining to me that his wife was perfectly happy to stay living at her mom’s house even though it was causing a strain on their relationship.  I agreed with him whole-heartedly, but then asked that all important question that some people simply hate to hear when all they really want is for you to offer a sympathetic ear.  “So what are you going to do about it man??”  I lovingly asked him.  “Well, I’m gonna get some more side work and go from there.”  Really, you surely can’t be serious, can you?  That’s your brilliant idea man?  Then it shouldn’t surprise you in the least that she’s content to stay at her mom’s house, should it?  I mean, you’re not exactly offering a compelling alternative in my opinion and I can assure you not in her opinion which is infinitely more important in this case.